Rejection

There are few things more time-consuming and difficult than searching for a new job.

Cleaning up your resume, creating new buzz words about your current indentured servitude job to attract interest, creatively enhancing your duties to fit in with the current corporate jargon.  You take a look at your resume and you think, wow, it looks pretty good.  I am marketable, my skills are in demand, I'm good at what I do, I have a really diverse set of abilities, I have a great work ethic, I'm a team player..........

So, now you're ready, right?  Ready to comb through the job posts on Craigslist, Monster.com, Washington Post Jobs on-line, Snagajob, etc etc.  You plow through the hundreds of listings, and start to post your resume in response.  Sometimes it takes a few minutes and you just attach your cover letter and CV.  Other prospective employers want an aptitude test, Q&A and on-line application before you can even attach your resume.  Close to 90 minutes later and you can finally hit "Submit".  All in all, though, you must subtly tailor and tweak your resume and intro letter to the position you are applying for, and it then becomes a full-time job just LOOKING for a full-time job!

You submit, at last count, 120+ responses to job postings.

Aaaaaaaaaaaand.

Nothing.  Not a damn thing.  No callbacks, no emails.  Silence.

So you wonder.  What am I doing wrong?  Is my cover letter too much?  Or not enough?   You start the process AGAIN, of really trimming the fat from your resume, and trying to make it clean and modern and appealing.

Still nothing.

Then one day you get a phone call.  From a person who has no command of the English language, and is calling from a company you've never heard of.  And you're pretty sure you didn't apply for a job with said company.  And when you call the number, it's been disconnected.

Talk about the proverbial wind out of the sails kind of feeling.

A week or so later you get this:  "We were fortunate in the number of highly qualified individuals who applied for the position you sought. The process is now complete, and after careful evaluation, we have selected the candidate whose experience most closely matches our needs at this time. We regret to inform you that you were not a finalist."

NOT EVEN A FINALIST?  Then two more polite, and nicely worded, "you aren't even close to what we want and we picked someone else and why did you even apply and keep trying and good luck with your job search and just crawl into that hole and"...............Well, you know.

Your self-confidence really starts to erode.  You begin to question all of your career choices, your previous employment, your decision to stay at home with your children while they were young, giving up that Really Great Job so that you could be there for the kids.   But, at the end of the day, you are certain that it was the right thing for them, and thusly, the right thing for you.  So scratch that from the list of reasons why nobody wants you, as it a moot point.  Your kids wanted you and there's no looking back.

Is it me?  Is it my cover letter?  Is it my resume?  Is it the economy?  Is it the area?  Is it the fact that I desperately need a better-paying job with health insurance and the universe is just screwing with me?

Supposedly this region has the lowest unemployment in the nation, and yet, here I wait.  Like the high school girl waiting to be asked to the prom.   Ok, that was a bit melodramatic, silly and self-indulgent.  But it's astounding how much your feelings of self-worth can be tied in to what you do for employment, and then to have nobody really give a crap, and not want to hire you?  It is a bit deflating. 

If you are ever feeling a bit big for your britches, throw your resume out there into the wind and see how quickly you are humbled.

Anyway, it's Friday, so I have the weekend to, once again, make myself more appealing and hireable and interesting than the other 21400 people who also need jobs in the Washington DC Metro area.

Wish me luck.

In Memoriam

"When you go home, tell them of us and say, for their tomorrow, we gave our today."

John Maxwell Edmonds, WWI

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me

"Fading light dims the sight,

And a star gems the sky, gleaming bright.

From afar drawing nigh -- Falls the night.

Day is done, gone the sun,

From the lake, from the hills, from the sky;

All is well, safely rest, God is nigh.

Then good night, peaceful night,

Till the light of the dawn shineth bright;

God is near, do not fear -- Friend, good night."

Taps

Henceforth, wherever thou may’st roam,

My blessing, like a line of light,

Is on the waters day and night,

And like a beacon guards thee home

Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Light It Up Blue

April is Autism Awareness Month.  Many countries around the world are trying to bring awareness to this developmental disorder by "celebrating" this cause during April.  Kindof an odd way to put it I suppose, but at least it shows that humankind is making the effort to recognize that autism affects so many, and a greater understanding is needed all around.  Doesn't matter to me what word is used, as long as people become more aware.

Autism is a very complex developmental disability that typically appears during the first three years of life and affects a person’s ability to communicate and interact with others. Today, it is estimated that one in every 110 children is diagnosed with autism, making it more common than childhood cancer, juvenile diabetes and pediatric AIDS combined. An estimated 1.5 million individuals in the U.S. and tens of millions worldwide are affected by autism. Government statistics suggest the prevalence rate of autism is increasing by 10-17 percent annually. There is not an established explanation for this increase, although improved early diagnosis and environmental influences are two reasons that often considered. Studies suggest boys are more likely than girls to develop autism and receive the diagnosis three to four times more frequently. Current estimates are that in the United States alone, one out of 70 boys is diagnosed with autism.   (Check out Autism Speaks for more information.  There is no known single cause for autism, but increased awareness and funding can help families today.)

A couple of years ago I had the privilege of spending a lot of time with an awesome little guy.  He was diagnosed as being on the "spectrum", a term often used to describe those who have some sort of Pervasive Developmental Disorder, or Autism Spectrum Disorder.  It is called a "spectrum disorder" because it affects individuals differently and to varying degrees. There are such a wide range of issues, that it is extremely difficult to categorize and pigeon-hole each person, so sometimes the label "autistic" is used as the more generic term.  Not my decision, just seems to be the way it goes.  His issues were more severe than many, but less severe than others.  The "spectrum" ranges from kids with mild language delays and social difficulties, to kids who have no language capability whatsoever and spend their days locked in their own little world.  SUCH a wide array of symptoms that vary between each and every individual, which really makes this such a tricky disorder to diagnose, treat and manage.

Anyway, his mom and dad needed someone with educational experience to hang out with him, tutor him, and just basically converse and socialize with him.  I spent almost a year, 3-4 afternoons a week, working and playing with him.  What a challenge.  This was a kid who could count to 100 in English, German AND Japanese, but would literally poop on the floor of the bathroom if he didn't feel like getting up on the toilet.  He could kick my butt in I Spy, but rarely met my own eyes.  He could read about 500 words (he was 4 at the time), but wouldn't use a fork/spoon to eat.  Sometimes he would laugh and giggle, but rarely at appropriate times, and on the rare occasion when he would meet my eye, or laugh WITH me, it was like the world would stand still it was so amazing.  It was like a little gift each time it happened, and it just made me more determined to see that gorgeous set of blue eyes looking AT me, not through me.  We had a great time most days, and I always had a real feeling of satisfaction when we'd do something different and he'd respond positively. 

I probably learned more from him than he learned from me.  For example, I learned that my bruised feelings, when the "talking" Thomas book I bought irritated him more than pleased him, were incidental and insignificant.  I never realized how grating and loud the book was until he clapped his hands over his ears and started to wail.  My own kids had liked it, or at least tolerated it, but he quickly showed me that everyone has their own threshold and it was up to me to work within HIS parameters.  I think most parents learn to be unselfish, and put the needs of their kids first, but parents of kids who have any type of issue learn this lesson all the more quickly. 

The most important thing that he taught me was to celebrate his passions, large and small.  He had SUCH an intense passion for everything he loved.  Right before I stopped going over there regularly, because he was getting ready to be in full-day kindergarten, his most favorite thing was a book of flags from countries around the world.  He could name EVERY SINGLE FLAG AND COUNTRY, and we'd spend hours examining each one.  There were hundreds of different flags, and I swear, some of them were nearly identical to those from other countries.  Didn't phase him, though.  His singleminded focus was a powerful thing to behold and his parents and I tried to channel that toward other more mundane tasks.  I'd like to think it was working, and I am sure he's continuing to astonish his parents and teachers each day.

The admiration I have for his mom and dad knows no bounds.  Their advocacy for their son knows no limits.  Their extraordinary patience, gentleness of spirit AND steadfast demand that he do all of the things any other boy his age would do, is going to help him for the rest of his life.  He goes to school, church, plays soccer and takes music lessons.  Just like many other little guys his age.  He also has intense speech therapy, occupational and physical therapy, is in special classes, and needs alot of TLC, but all of these things wrapped up in one package are going to help him to be a part of our society at large, just like anyone else. SO many people around the world are affected by Autism.  Not just those who are diagnosed, but their parents, siblings, teachers, classmates.   It can take much patience and love sometimes, but don't we all need that?

Many children with Autism Spectrum Disorders need that special attention, and it is our job as a society to make sure that they, and the adults that they eventually become, get all of the help that they deserve.  Autism is treatable. Children do not necessarily "outgrow" autism, but studies show that early diagnosis and intervention lead to significantly improved outcomes. Currently, the Autism Society estimates that the lifetime cost of caring for a child with autism ranges from $3.5 million to $5 million, and that the United States is facing almost $90 billion annually in costs for autism (this figure includes research, insurance costs and non-covered expenses, Medicaid waivers for autism, educational spending, housing, transportation, employment, in addition to related therapeutic services and caregiver costs).

There are several important bills moving through Congress that will have important effects on the autism community – safer educational settings (Keeping All Students Safe Act), better autism services (Autism Treatment Acceleration Act), greater financial independence (Achieving a Better Life Experience Act), better protection against toxic chemicals (Toxic Substances Control Act Reform, introduction anticipated soon), and more. For more information about this legislation and to take action to support it, visit Vote 4 Autism.

Below is text from the United Nations Secretary-General Mr. Ban Ki-moon's Message for World Autism Awareness Day.  I think it SO perfectly states what we should all keep in our hearts and minds when thinking about those in our world with ANY disability. 

"Autism is a complex and inadequately understood disability with a wide range of manifestations. Children and adults with autism – and, indeed, those living with disabilities in general – have a double burden. In addition to the daily challenges of their disability, they must also cope with the negative attitudes of society, inadequate support for their needs and, in some cases, blatant discrimination.

The UN Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities, which entered into force in May 2008, is a powerful tool to redress such situations. It aims to promote equal enjoyment of all human rights and fundamental freedoms by persons with disabilities. As of today, 144 countries have signed the Convention and 83 have ratified it.

World Autism Awareness Day is dedicated to creating greater understanding about autism and promoting universal adherence to the UN Convention. By combining research and awareness-raising efforts, we can provide adults and children with disabilities such as autism the protection, support and full membership of an inclusive society.

As we commemorate World Autism Awareness Day 2010, let us remember that each of us can take on that responsibility. Let us join persons with autism, their families and their advocates in a community of voices for greater awareness and understanding. Let us also look within, and re-evaluate our attitudes and those of our societies so we can remove the prejudices that discriminate against persons with disabilities. Let us dedicate ourselves to creating a fair and caring society that affords true dignity and rights for all."

I am moved each and every time I read that statement and I am proud and happy to be participating in the "Light it Up Blue" campaign being used to promote Autism Awareness Month. It is a unique global initiative designed to help raise recognition and to shine a bright light on autism as a growing public health issue. On April 1, the eve of World Autism Awareness Day, the Empire State Building joined in and blue lights lit up the evening sky! The launch of this inaugural "Light It Up Blue" campaign was a success. Iconic landmarks around the globe joined the Empire State Building in New York City. The Willis Tower in Chicago, the CN Tower in Toronto and Kingdom Tower in Saudi Arabia – as well as airports, bridges, museums, concert halls, restaurants, and retail stores - were among the more than 100 structures in over 16 U.S. cities and nine countries around the world that were lit up in bright blue on the evening of April 1 – the first night of Autism Awareness Month and the eve of World Autism Awareness Day (WAAD), April 2nd. 

To show your support you can wear a blue bracelet, purchase a rainbow Autism Awareness ribbon, wear lots of blue, change your Facebook profile pic, use a blue font, post about it on your blog or twitter.......But mostly, you can just become more AWARE.  That would be the biggest way to support those with autism.

Thanks for reading today and allowing me to use my blog as a forum to talk about a cause that I really believe in.   Some days plain ole silliness abounds, but some days it's awesome to have a blog where you can get on your soapbox, just for a brief moment, and "shine a light" on something truly worthwhile.

relief

sheesh, what a day.  pouring rain, car making a funny noise, AAAAANNNDDDD a trip to the vet for the Dog.

must be Monday.

The Dog, a 10 year old miniature dachshund, has been acting kindof funny for about the last 10 days.  lethargic, not playing with her toys, laying in her bed, and worst of all she's been having trouble getting up and down the steps when she needs to go out.

then, beginning on Friday night of course, because the vet is only open for a few hours on Saturday morning for appointments that cost a small fortune and really is Saturday that precious of a commodity, and if it is then why are you a doctor.  oh.....sorry....i digress.

anyway, on Friday night her symptoms got worse.  her little tiny back legs were buckling a bit and she started walking like a crab.  NOT good.  i can tell this, and i'm not even a vet.

called first thing this morning and got her an appointment.   wrapped her up in her bed, thus protecting myself from her gigantic and ominous teeth, so that i could walk through the monsoon to the car.  actually, her teeth aren't really all that gigantic.  but they still hurt when they pierce your skin, let me tell you.

she cried all the way to the vet, this being a dog who does not enjoy car rides in the slightest.  so, again trudging through the raging typhoon, i get her inside, where she proceeds to behave like she is a 2 year old puppy with nary a symptom to be seen.  those of you with children are very familiar with this phenomenon.  child is barfing, feverish, hallucinating, speaking in tongues, hacking up a lung UNTIL you get into the exam room at the pediatrician's office, where they make a miraculous recovery, exhibit no signs of illness whatsoever and proceed to make you look like a red-faced bumbling idiot.  this is the one time in your life when you actually WANT to hear the doctor say that your child has scarlet fever, hanta virus or ebola, just so that you are justified in being in their office.

actually, once the adrenaline wore off, The Dog did make an effort to ACT like she might be hurting or that something was wrong.  she did drag her back legs a bit, and it was obvious to the vet that she was suffering from a typical dachshund malady, problems with her spine - long and weiner-like that it is.

i left her there in the office, or as the vet calls it, *in-house hospitalization* (i think mostly so that she can charge me more for 5 hours in their back room than you'd pay at a 4-star hotel).  i authorized x-rays, blood work and a pain med injection (i considered asking for one myself at this point, believe me) so that we could rule out other issues.

got the call a few hours later that The Dog did have some inflammation in her back/spine and that she'd be coming home with some anti-inflammatory meds and a prescription for reduced activity.

big sigh of relief.

i have lost sleep over the past few nights as i contemplated telling my 12 year old daughter that her beloved Dog might be not long for this world.  i can't tell you how thankful i am that i can put that off for a while.

we've had the "The Dog is getting older, and we need to remember that pets don't live as long as people" talk a few times lately, but this ailment really popped up out of nowhere and i was feeling woefully unprepared to have this conversation FOR REAL.

so, $440 later, The Dog is sleeping in her bed, snoring loudly and peacefully, and my little girl is smiling and happy.

that makes it all worthwhile.

stymied

woe.

i've had a day where i said the wrong thing to Everyone, and Everyone said the wrong thing to me.

why is it that some days things roll right off, and other days things stick like burrs you can't get out of your hair? 

maybe because it's been a LONG week.  that's my story, anyway, and i'm sticking to it.  truthfully though, it has been stressful, busy, hectic, and packed full of the little moments that leave a mark.  and not in a good way.  i feel like i have welts all over from the little slights and snarks.

most of the time i'm pretty impervious to things like this and thick-skinned.  not today.  actually, not for the last few days.  feeling put-upon (taken for granted, taken advantage of.....the list goes on) has left me headed for martyrdom.  oh the drama.

and lo, venting is required in order for a modicum of maturity to be regained. 

let it begin.

i think the worst thing is when someone in a position of authority and responsibility continually falls down on the job, and isn't held accountable for it.  everyone else mops up the mess, picks up the pieces, and keeps things rolling.  but because they are adept at covering themselves, it doesn't come to light as quickly as it might otherwise.

i personally think it's time for the buck to stop.  while it is not particularly my job to point out these egregious grievous awful embarrassing constant stupid unacceptable errors, we are well into double digits (!) over the last two weeks.   big things too, not little things.  big things that really affect others.......this someone is in a position senior to me, but when the work/product overall is suffering and morale is sinking, what is the solution.

these little fissures of resentment breed bitterness...............then respect starts to erode and your whole perspective begins to change.  i think you're more likely to distrust an opinion when your internal radar is pinging, don't you?  when you are thinking to yourself, "this person is continually dropping the ball, how can i support them and their decisions, as fully and totally as before".

we all make mistakes, get distracted, lose focus every now and then.  but when it becomes habitual and almost EXPECTED for this person to make these types of blunders, i think action is required.

so, Heads Will Roll.  let the Face Punching commence!

nah, i just said that to get it out of my system.  after verbalizing my frustrations, i feel a bit better already!

now if i can just stop letting these frustrations get the best of me........

maybe i'll be less like Cruella deVille tomorrow and nobody will want to throw me out a window.

while i might lose her personality, the white streak stays.

sister

friend supporter champion gift true confidante familiar collaborator treasure inspiration motivator idol forever believer ally advisor bond giver comrade advocate distinctive solace challenger savior extraordinary teacher

heroine

i have sisters.  each unique and matchless in their charm and in what they bring to the world at large.  witty, smart, generous, elegant, kind, thoughtful, classy, selfless, funny, beautiful.  they are so exceptional and i admire them all more than i can really articulate.  that they are so fabulous shouldn't be surprising, as they have Our Mom as an example.  it's certainly no secret that we worship the water she walks on.

sisters are easily taken for granted as they are always THERE.  when you need them and when you don't, but mostly when you don't think you need them, but deep down inside, you really do.  that's actually when you need them most of all. 

the camaraderie, the solidarity, the unity.....can lift you when you are down, and hold you there until you can manage on your own. 

you are never alone as she is there in spirit, if not in flesh, and the connection that exists is the strongest, and sweetest, of all friendships.

sisters are there to revel in your success, to share in your joy and happiness.  to appreciate and empathize...............and mostly, to Understand.

how lucky am i to have that four times over.

these people say it better than i ever could....................

A sister can be seen as someone who is both ourselves and very much not ourselves - a special kind of double.

-- Toni Morrison
 
A ministering angel shall my sister be.

-- William Shakespeare
 
A sister is a gift to the heart, a friend to the spirit, a golden thread to the meaning of life.

-- Isadora James

Sweet is the voice of a sister in the season of sorrow.

-- Benjamin Disraeli

A sister is a little bit of childhood that can never be lost.

-- Marion C. Garretty
 
We know one another's faults, virtues, catastrophes, mortifications, triumphs, rivalries, desires, and how long we can each hang by our hands to a bar. We have been banded together under pack codes and tribal laws.

-- Rose Macaulay

Just Do It

i often dream that i am running.............weightlessly gliding across the terrain, heartbeat in my ears, effortless. i breathe easily, my stride is long and comfortable.  it feels better than i could ever imagine.

then i wake.

if only i could translate that feeling into my normal day, when i'm actually awake and could use some peace and serenity. i have never LOVED running, but used to do it regularly for exercise and for the quiet it brought to my mind. few things top the feeling when you have finished a long run. the endorphin high lasts forever............

sadly, that endorphin high is akin to the feeling gained after consumption of copious amounts of chocolate. or pizza. or BBQ potato chips. or genoa salami by the handful.......all of which completely counteract most of the benefits from the exercise to begin with.

at any rate, going to the gym and running were a part of my daily routine for years. then came knee surgeries, professional demands, children...........it seemed that the hours of the day became less plentiful as each year went by, and the excuses multiplied faster and faster.

what to do, what to do. how to re-motivate. how to make the time. how to grab that desire again.

honestly, Motivation is all around me. i have friends in abundance, and sisters, who work out regularly, run, go to the gym. they are all so fit and look amazing. if that isn't Motivation, nothing is..............

but there are always excuses. my latest one was The Snow. hard to run when it's freezing, snowy, windy, right? well, those excuses were pathetic this week as the weather actually improved, and much of the snow melted.  to make matters worse, i really can't even use the weather as an exuse.  i own a treadmill.  YES, i do.  it's in my office.  currently its being used as storage for some files boxes, and some clothes that needed to dry.  pathetic actually isn't even the word.  appalling might come closer?

i had to search elsewhere for some of that all-important Motivation.

as is often the case:  SHOPPING!!!!!!  it becomes the cure for all that ails. seriously. i figured that if i had a new pair of running shoes, and some other miscellaneous running THINGS, well certainly i'd feel it necessary to put all to good use. 

sadly, when i started going through all of my "workout gear", and i use those two words very loosely, i discovered these items.

yep.  brand new, tags still attached on all....................

then to make matters worse, much worse actually,  i TOTALLY forgot that i had gotten these when i was supposed to be Christmas shopping for others!

yay for me, i had actually taken them out of the box but, so far, they've only been used for walking into Starbucks and the grocery store (candy aisle of course), as i tried to maintain my strength to get gifts purchased and shipped over the holidays.  hardly the thing that Olympic dreams are made of.  

so, it's back to the drawing board. 

soon i won't have the winter layer of sweaters, vests, and long-sleeves to camouflage the parts that have become...........fleshy.  roundish.  jiggly.

and let's not even venture into swimsuit territory. 

oh.  wait.  I MAY HAVE JUST FOUND THE LAST SLIVER OF MOTIVATION. i really do not want to be mistaken for something mammalian that lives in the ocean.

so.  after i go out and buy some more cool, comfortable and fun things to wear, the workout regime begins in earnest.

really.

superlatives

well, SnoTorious B.I.G. is now past.  there almost aren't any words to describe the magnitude of snowfall, so i guess HUGE, GINORMOUS, RECORD-BREAKING will have to do.  we got just a hair under 29" here in alexandria, and it was pure hell trying to dig out.  while i tried to stay ahead of the snow by shoveling throughout the blizzard, it was still quite the task.  losing power after the snow had ended was just the icing on the cake, to be perfectly honest.  it got mighty chilly by morning with no electricity, that's for sure. and the loss of cable/internet/phone was absolute torture.  i was feeling like laura ingalls wilder with candles and huge down comforters everywhere...........(now all i need is some fresh maple syrup to make candy and the picture will be complete).  supposedly we're going to be hit with another significant "snow event" on Tuesday into Wednesday, but so far the newscasters are playing it down.  i think it's so they won't be tarred and feathered in the streets of public outrage.

i know that everyone can read all about The Historic Snowstorm on the internets, and newspapers, etc..........so i won't bore you with any more of that bunk.

here are a few shots, though, for all of you out-of-towners, to give you an idea of just how much Fun we have (not) been having.  i guess the fun starts after the shoveling ends?

notice that the tree in my front yard is again featured prominently (and probably annoyingly, to most of you), but it helps to give me perspective......

more photos can be found on my flickr photostream to the right, under "a day in the life" tab......

the snowstorm was scary, cold, windy, icy, loud, and absolutely stunning in its power.  Mother Nature sure does wash away the yuck, and leaves skies of cerulean blue that cannot be matched.............

the air has never been this crisp and clean.

la nieve

snow:  Snow is frozen water that falls from the sky. All snow flakes have six sides, but no two snow flakes are the same.  Snow is precipitation in the form of small white ice crystals. Snow is formed from the water vapor in the air at a temperature of less than 32 degrees Fahrenheit.

blizzard:  A blizzard is a severe storm condition characterized by low temperatures, strong winds, and heavy blowing snow. By definition, the difference between blizzard and a snowstorm is the strength of the wind. Ground blizzards are a variation on the traditional blizzard, in that ground blizzards require high winds to stir up snow that has already fallen, rather than fresh snowfall. Regardless of the variety of blizzard, they can bring near-whiteout conditions, which restrict visibility to near zero. Blizzards have a negative impact on local economies, and can paralyze regions where snowfall is unusual or rare for days at a time.  (duh.  see also: Northern Virginia and Washington, D.C.)

those are the Real and Official definitions. 

i prefer these, myself: 

blizzkrieg, blizzardpalooza, snowmageddon, snotorious B.I.G, snowpocalypse, feblizzard, snOMG, (or, in this case, snOMFG), the big snowbowski, snowtastrophe, shovelation, shoveltastic, snowgasm, snowzilla, snowbliteration, keyser snowze, snownami, oblizzarated,.............TAKE. YOUR. PICK.  all monikers for our latest venture into Winter Wonderland..........

and It Begins: 

not too bad yet, but we'll see how it goes overnight, as we are expected to get 3" per hour at the height of the storm, with 24" on the ground by 11 a.m. 

hot toddy anyone?

conceding

all i've been hearing all morning:

"at least it's a PRETTY snow".  wha???  who cares. 

well, ok, it was.  kindof.

enough

apparently, via some weird time/space continuum, i now live in minnesota, greenland, alaska, or some other place where the godforsaken snow is not an anomaly, but a regular occurrence.  so far this winter we have had one HUGE snowstorm (22" here), one medium sized snowstorm (7" here) and one small snowstorm (2-4") expected tonight.  kindof like The Three Little Bears only colder, snowflakier and much less fun to read about.

we live south of the Mason-Dixon Line, and any kind of snowfall wreaks havoc and mass confusion when it falls from the sky.  even if it's just a little bit.  so the snow-removal resources are already stretched pretty thin.  and the general populace is losing its ability to deal with it mentally and emotionally.  oh.  it's just me?

tonight's snow is supposed to be over around midnight, but school will probably be cancelled for tomorrow.....AAAAANNNNDDDDDDDDD.  more snow expected this weekend.

it was kindof fun the first time as we were prepared for it well in advance.  it was really good sledding snow, so we made the best of it.  it was cool to put on ski pants, hats, scarves, boots.............but that novelty wore off pretty darn quick.  honestly, one storm --- that's all i really need.  one good blizzard per year suits me just fine.

i am now overdosed on snowflakes, and have no interest in seeing ANY. MORE. SNOW.  

so!  Wishful Thinking:

 

love

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails... And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I Corinthians 13:4-13

NOOOWWWWWW.  those who know me know that i am NOT the religious type.  as a matter of fact, i usually warn folks if i'm going to be near/in/around a church so that they can wear fire-retardant clothing.....lightning strikes are always a real danger. 

i have nothing against churches......or religion for that matter.  ORGANIZED religion and i, however, have never been the best of friends.  i dislike being told what to think, believe, have faith in.   i hold on tight to my own personal faith, philosophy, belief system, values and spirituality. 

so for me to be quoting scripture is a bit.........alarming?  strange?  unsettling?  never fear.  i have not turned away from The Dark Side.  i'm joking, obviously, as i know there are so many who hold scripture in high regard.  as do i --- just not as the only guidebook for how to live my life.

however, the verse above seems to be appropriate right now.   with all of the tragedy in the world, LOVE is that one constant.  we need it --- need to receive it, need to give it............need it for survival.  we can survive without many things, but we do need love.  it is a basic human need.

Fifty years ago at the University of Wisconsin, psychologist Harry Harlow believed that affection and connection were the foundations of life. In a landmark experiment, Harlow took baby monkeys from their real mothers, giving them wire "moms" devised to deliver milk. But the youngsters would only cuddle when their surrogates were covered in a furry cloth. These monkeys thrived, while those with the bare-wire models didn't. The results proved Harlow's theory that attachment to another is as crucial a drive as thirst, hunger and sex.  (Natural Health, 2003, Jill Reimark)

if we could all just give a little love to our fellow humans, i honestly believe that life wouldn't be so hard, all of the time.  now, we can't prevent tragedies such as the one that has befallen the people of haiti.  but, with loving hearts, if we give what we can, we can affect the lives of others in a positive way.

i am trying to be more positive about everything.  it is one of my RESOLUTIONS for 2010.  but the crisis in haiti, our economy, the healthcare debate, the wars in iraq and afghanistan, hunger, discrimination......all of that Stuff is really testing that desire to see the good in all things.  that and other Stuff, of course.  the banal, mundane Stuff that tests us all on a daily basis.  our own personal failings being high on that list.

so i'm holding onto love a little bit tighter right now.  hoping it can carry me through some Stuff..........Stuff in the world, Stuff in our country, Stuff in my family...........(my apologies to george carlin).  and now i'll stop preaching and will jump down from the proverbial soapbox. 

love can't conquer all.  but it can give us the strength to fight another day.

choices

"eating handfuls of caramel popcorn. why, you ask? because it's.....HERE. on my desk. oh willpower, wherefore art thou? thus ends day 1 of the Fat Smash Diet."

i posted the above on my Status Update earlier today.  i just had to.  i was truly so filled with self-loathing that i actually started cracking up inside, and had to laugh out loud at the absurdity!  hating myself because i was enjoying the caramel popcorn so much!  how messed up is that.

part of my irriation at myself was because i had started the day off so well.  non-fat yogurt, an egg white, and a banana for breakfast............a salad with grilled chicken, sunflower seeds and a teeny bit of dressing for lunch.........and then..........BAM.  couldn't keep my hands out of the goodies.  and then, you know what happened at dinner.  i had already bombed so why not eat a second helping of lasagna and garlic bread, and make chocolate chip cookies.  eat half the dough, and then 12 cookies.  you know how it works - once you've blown the diet, why not BLAST IT INTO SMITHEREENS.

i digress.  anyway, i am determined to eat better.  mostly because i want to work toward being more healthy overall, but also (and i'm not going to deny it), i'd love to drop a few pounds.  i'm not overweight, not by any standard, but lately have felt kindof puffy and fleshy?  pants are a bit tight, don't want to wear anything that might show the backfat, have to disguise the muffin-top...........you know the drill.

so, over the weekend, at my bro-in-law's birthday party, another bro-in-law announced to me that he had lost TWELVE POUNDS IN TWELVE DAYS.  (boy, did that statement ring in my ears for days).  he looks great, and i am really glad for him.  and he didn't say it in a "gloaty haha you suck" kind of way, but genuinely excited about it, and happy to share the method that my sister is helping him to execute.  they have discovered a diet where you detox your body by cutting out most everything but fruits/veggies, beans/rice, egg whites...........basically you let your body recover from processing all of the junk we eat (meat and sugar being the big culprits), and your metabolism starts to scream and burns fat like crazy.  my sis tried it a while back to kickstart her metabolism after having her second baby, and it worked well for her and for her husband.  she is naturally slim and svelte, but this did help to get her metabolism where she wants it.  now she looks like heidi klum.  seriously.  and if that isn't inspiration?  i don't know what is.

i just want something to get me motivated --- when you see results, it really (at least for me) confirms that i'm doing something good, and i want to keep doing it.  even more than i want that bag of sour cream/onion potato chips and the 8 brownies that are left on the plate.

so, today was Day Number 1.  and it was a huge, epic fail.   the funny thing is, i wasn't hungry.  i just wanted something sweet and crunchy.  so, tomorrow i'm going to make sure i have some apple slices and maybe some clementines on hand.  and, keeping my fingers crossed, hopefully the guys at the office will have demolished that evil caramel popcorn so i won't be tempted.

tomorrow is another day.  as always.  thank god.

duh

i'm sure you've had one or two.

that HOLY CRAP, OMG moment when you realize you've hit "reply all" on a snarky response to an email.  oops.  or you've accidentally sent out a Vaguely Inappropriate photo/video from the internets to your whole workplace email chain (in my case an entire elementary school) instead of to that one friend who would appreciate it, or at least wouldn't report you to the principal.  or you've typed out a nasty email about Someone and then, i guess due to having that Someone on the brain, sent it TO THAT SPECIFIC SOMEONE.  yep, that's me.  all of the above.

god i love computers, the world wide web, YouTube, email, FaceBook, Twitter............but the capacity for mortifyingly embarrassing moments seems to increase exponentially by each form of social media that you use.

why can't we go back to the olden days of hand-written letters.....to the heartfelt personal notes.  or even (though i detest the medium) to using phone calls to convey information, make invitations, reply and RSVP. 

phone calls, meh.  i'm too boring.  i run out of things to talk about almost immediately and i worry that the person i'm talking to will think that i've fallen asleep, am too stupid to speak, or just have no life at all.  which is actually pretty close to the truth.

and as for writing with pen/paper, i for one am WAY too lazy.   i type so much faster than i write, and i'm actually not sure i could sit down and write a whole letter without 1) my hand cramping up, 2) losing interest so quickly that it would get tossed in the trash, 3) feeling that my penmanship is so hideous that i give up halfway through the first sentence, or 4) wondering actually who is worth all of the blood sweat tears that go into physically WRITING something with the instruments originally designed (by god, or whoever) to do so.

but it would certainly lessen the chances for personal humiliation, wouldn't it.  you'd actually be forced to remember who you're actually writing something for, and instead of popping off a hasty and probably somewhat thoughtless email, you might put more effort into the whole exercise.

then again, typing an email does afford you the opportunity to instantly edit your words, and quickly organize your thoughts, unlike writing something longhand.  unless you are using a pen with erasable ink.  and do those things really work anyway?  never, in my experience.

i guess it's one of those double-edged sword types of situations. 

engaging your brain, and DOUBLECHECKING THAT EMAIL ADDRESS LIST, is probably the quickest and easiest way to avoid being fired, being un-friended, being un-followed, being disowned, and pretty much just being the biggest idiot on Earth.

or so i've been told.  by many.

aspirations

today is the michelle obama's birthday, our First Lady.  she is turning 46.  which means she is kindof my peer, age-wise.  within a few years, anyway.

wow.  am i an underachiever, or what...............she is a princeton and harvard law graduate...........and the First Lady.......and a mom...........and just generally a pretty cool chick.

it's always interesting to look at people across the spectrum.  whether you look at race, culture, age, sex, hometown, class, IQ, family background......that whole "nature vs. nurture" debate again i guess.  i'm somewhat intrigued by that, if you hadn't noticed.

astonishing the heights that some people rise to, and the lows that others fall to.  or those who just stay right where they started. 

is it encoded in our DNA to be successful or not?  some people certainly are born with more brain power, more ambition, more drive, more tenacity.  some are content to be what their parents were, others are not.  some are blessed with a bit of intervention from a teacher, a relative, or even a complete stranger --- that one person who gives you that "aha!!!!" moment where you know you can do great things........

to some, it comes early in life.  to others, later in life.............to the rest?  not at all.

which category do you fall into.

oh, bother

sitting (no, slouching.....or maybe even laying) in my chair tonight............been in my pajamas since 6, pizza at 6:30, vegetative state by 6:45.

i can't even summon the energy to make a sugar-searching walk to the pantry or fridge.

so you KNOW i'm tiiiiiiiiiiiiired.   when i'm too exhausted to perform my nightly ritualistic search for a yummy treat?  yep, something's afoot.

actually, i think it's probably a cold.  the flu?  or maybe a sinus infection...............or maybe just the change in barometric pressure as we shift from sub-arctic temps to balmy, spring-like temps within the space of a day or two.  WTH.

whine whine whine.  oh god please don't let me get sick.  oh.......wait......it's the night before a THREE DAY WEEKEND begins.  of course i'm going to get sick........or one of the kids will.  it's a certainty at this point.

but then if one of us IS sick, we can make our monthly trek to the always entertaining Minute Clinic, a special place for those of us who only get sick on weekends and holidays.  where we can sit with the huddled, germ-ridden masses and pray for death.  and wait in endless lines for prescriptions.

why can't germs be a little more considerate of my schedule.

giving

there are tragedies, and then there are TRAGEDIES.  what we are witnessing in haiti right now surely qualifies as the latter.  this horrendously poverty-stricken country has barely begun to heal after devastating hurricanes in 2008.  and now Mother Nature comes through and bitch-slaps it again.  horrific.

it seems like the poorest countries, or at least areas of poor countries, are many times the hardest hit by these types of catastrophes.  see also:  rural china, indonesia, thailand, mexico.  just unimaginable.

most of us in the united states are very well-off compared to those in "third world" countries.  while we have our fair share of poverty and hunger, for the most part we are blessed with decent infrastructure, electricity, running water and access to medical care.  we can survive disasters because we can mobilize our citizens quickly, and can get help to those that need it.

when you live in a place like haiti, you must rely on the rest of the world when disaster strikes.  luckily the rest of the world is willing and able.  the world's 911 force (thanks L, for coining that great term), our united states, is sending huge amounts of aid, as are many of the earth's other powerful countries.

we should all do our part --- either by donating any $ you can, or by contacting your local church or red cross chapter, to see what else may be needed.

it's times like these that remind us that we are all really the same.   while some of us are fortunate enough to have all that we need, there are others who do not.  you can make a difference:  whether it is assisting a country like haiti during their time of need, or volunteering at a local homeless shelter, or pitching in to help our elderly citizens, or serving food at a soup kitchen, or just helping that family down on their luck.   remember, we are all HUMANKIND.

complaints

WOW it's cold out there.......i know it's winter-time, but there's a reason (among many) why i live in The South.  so i don't have to feel my lungs crunching with crystals every time i try to breathe outdoors.

now i know i don't have to get out and chop wood, and scrounge for kindling, and skin animals for clothing.  so i shouldn't complain, right?  too bad, i'm going to anyway.  so much for my new year's resolution that i want to be more positive, and find the upside in most things.  some things just are not good.  cold weather is pretty much at the top of that list.  it makes me cranky to scrape the windshield, take the dogs out, wear a heavy coat, wipe my nose ENDLESSLY.

how do minnesotans, and citizens in other hideously chilly states, function during the cold months?  i've heard (never been there) that in the Twin Cities there are covered tunnels and walkways between buildings and parking lots.  so there's that, at least.  but if you live in the suburbs?  wouldn't it just get to be mind-numblingly annoying to scrape, shovel, bundle, wrap, cover, and entomb yourself in multiple layers of clothing just to do your normal, everyday routine.  each day.  for MONTHS.  with no end in sight.

and if you have little ones?  omg the horror.  the snowsuits, the scarves, the mittens, the boots.  not to mention the trussing in and out of carseats............i wonder if alcohol consumption is MUCH higher in the northern states during the winter months.  

ok, i'm much happier now.  yes, it's very cold out there and will be for a while.  but i know that soon we will have sunshine, warmth, flowers, green grass.....sneezing, itching, wheezing, humidity, sweat.  oh bother.  i guess i just can't be pleased.

sanctuary

there was a girl

quiet and still, dark and halting

small pieces and broken

looking for the breath of rescue, sweetness and escape

always lost always searching

into her life came illumination, the radiance of daylight and moonlight

casting the shadows away

making her weightless and buoyant

into her life came love

you…..